After a brief emergency meeting this morning at an undisclosed location the Amherst Select Board and Town Manager invoked Executive Order #19, a rarely used provision of the Amherst Town Government Act that allows the Executive Branch to do pretty much anything it wants.
One of less controversial decrees hatched at the secret meeting will change the name of the town from Amherst, where even the h is silent, to Salk -- where every letter is pronounced.
After 254 years of snarky remarks about the town being named after Lord Jeffery Amherst, the (bastard) father of biological warfare, and in a ritualistic bow to karma, the town will now be renamed after Dr. Jonas Salk, the researcher who came up with a polio vaccine.
"Since education is our #1 industry, it's only fitting we rename our little college town after one of the greatest researchers in the history of science," said Select Board Chair Stefan O'Keefe.
In keeping with the altruistic principles of Salk, who responded to a gotcha media question about patent ownership with ""There is no patent. Could you patent the sun?", the town will lease the Cherry Hill Golf Course to BlueWave Capital for a 5 megawatt solar energy farm.
Former golf course now guaranteed to generate profits
All proceeds will go towards funding research to find an HIV vaccine, the last project Dr. Salk was working on.
A Secret Documents Request also reveals via meeting minutes that the Select Board sold Amherst Town Hall to local developer Roberts Barry and the Business Improvement District for $10 million.
Amherst Town Hall to become "Townhouse On The Green"
Plans are to renovate the former seat of government to a mixed-use development with retail on the bottom floor and student housing above.
"Since the Blarney Blowout downtown was such a success last month, this will help make next years' event even BIGGER" said Douche' Drinker, manager of McMurphy's Uptown Tavern.