Monday, April 1, 2013

By Any Other Name

After a brief emergency meeting this morning at an undisclosed location the Amherst Select Board and Town Manager invoked Executive Order #19, a rarely used provision of the Amherst Town Government Act that allows the Executive Branch to do pretty much anything it wants.

One of less controversial decrees hatched at the secret meeting will change the name of the town from Amherst, where even the h is silent, to Salk -- where every letter is pronounced.

After 254 years of snarky remarks about the town being named after Lord Jeffery Amherst, the (bastard) father of biological warfare, and in a ritualistic bow to karma, the town will now be renamed after Dr. Jonas Salk, the researcher who came up with a polio vaccine. 

"Since education is our #1 industry, it's only fitting we rename our little college town after one of the greatest researchers in the history of science," said Select Board Chair Stefan O'Keefe. 

In keeping with the altruistic principles of Salk, who responded to a gotcha media question about patent ownership with ""There is no patent. Could you patent the sun?", the town will lease the Cherry Hill Golf Course to BlueWave Capital for a 5 megawatt solar energy farm.

Former golf course now guaranteed to generate profits

All proceeds will go towards funding research to find an HIV vaccine, the last project Dr. Salk was working on.

A Secret Documents Request also reveals via meeting minutes that the Select Board sold Amherst Town Hall to local developer Roberts Barry and the Business Improvement District for $10 million.

Amherst Town Hall to become "Townhouse On The Green"

Plans are to renovate the former seat of government to a mixed-use development with retail on the bottom floor and student housing above.

 "Since the Blarney Blowout downtown was such a success last month, this will help make next years' event even BIGGER" said Douche' Drinker, manager of McMurphy's Uptown Tavern.


Walter Graff said...

Irony is that in the Amherst Government every day is April Fools Day.

Anonymous said...

i think walter graff said it best.

every day is a joke with town hall

Anonymous said...

That's the same Walter that thought that the sneakers thrown over telephone wires were a sign of gang activity. I told that to my friend's son who had thrown a pair up there a few weeks ago and he laughed for 5 straight minutes.

Anonymous said...

Walter is from a much more sophisticated urban environment--clearly the sneaker thing must be something drug dealing gangs do in the big city. Probably something Walt learned when he "worked with" the NYC police department.

Walter Graff said...


What is the meaning of tennis shoes hanging from a telephone wire?

It can mean a variety of things and can vary regionally. Here are a few meanings:

*They are the shoes of a friend lost to violence thrown up in a memorial near their place of death.
*Signifies that drugs are sold at that location
Marks gang territory
*You have bullies in your area and they took another kids shoes for a game of keep away.
*Someone got a new pair of tennies and just thought of a way to get rid of the old ones.

And to be fair a number of other websites say any number of things as to its meaning including some that say while it's a word wide phenomenon, it means nothing.

In Australia it seems to be a right of passage:

I'll go with what I see in the places I've lived. I know that a apartment complex on Route 9 near the old Maplewood Restaurant has had the sneakers hanging in front and the place has had numerous large-scale busts for drug dealing over the years. And a house near Home Depot in Hadley has had sneakers in front of it for some time and too had some drug related police activity. Figured like most places from NY to Boston, that was the general significance and considering how rampant drug consumption is at UMESS it makes sense.

Perhaps in the case of your friends kids who thought it fun to vandalize where they live by throwing sneakers on a wire and the kids father (seems pretty unsophisticated) who thought it cool his kid did such an unsightly thing, it was probably because they lack class, or just want to act like morons. Great friends. What is it they say about the company you keep? Even better parenting on your friends part. Just like when you find any other evidence of idiots: empty beer bottles, plastic bags, fast food wrappers and cars that will never see the road again in the driveway.

And if your friend laughed for "five minutes" he really must be on the low scale of intellect. Even if it wasn't true it wouldn't be THAT funny. Guess he must be great at comedy clubs because he'll laugh at anything. Five minutes? That's worth at least a chuckle in itself.

Yes, in NYC sneakers are known to be a sign of drug deals and gangs in many neighborhoods. And, no didn't learn it from the NYPD. I made training and informational/PR videos and consulted on the City's automated video interrogation system so wouldn't learn it there.

I love the weak attacks and pitiful attempts at invalidating what is often said here of those who use their name and offer information and thoughts. Only proves that there are some really sad and ignorant nameless people who need to turn every comment made into a negative attack so they feel better about themselves. Shows your insecurity. Such a pisher (Yiddish for a nobody infantile loser).

Thanks for this blog Larry. I love these fools. So funny. They offer nothing of value and their negativity and ignorance is so funny you have to laugh. I get a laugh a day out of them. Amherst's finest.

Anonymous said...

Sorry I'm late Walter I was at something you are unfamiliar with, it's called a job.

Tom McBride said...

And Anonymous is unfamiliar with something I'm familiar with, SIGNING MY NAME. What are you afraid of, everybody's going to come after you?

Anonymous said...

walter, you should tell the cops about the sneaker thing, so they know where to go to bust the bad guys.

Anonymous said...

oh, tom, we are afraid of so many things, including weirdos, like you and ed and walt, "coming after me".

are you the thomas mcbride who suggested that since someone stole from the teacher's union, that perhaps, the union has too much money? would you mind explaining your line of reasoning in writing that and SIGNING YOUR NAME to it?

Punks, drunks and Ponziville chimps said...

"oh, tom, we are afraid of so many things, including weirdos, like you and ed and walt, "coming after me"."

No you're not.

You wouldn't be living here if that were the case.

The only thing which terrifies you is whatever threatens the cash flow.

(well, that and seeing yourself in the mirror)

So um, save it.

Walter Graff said...

The saddest part is this anonymous person works for the Amherst school system administration and spends working hours on a blog. Since they will not use their name, I'll respect that and not say who it is. A real great representation of the waste in the Amherst school system. First class posts. And since I found out who you are, just letting you know you better be careful because your colleagues that you say things to are telling other people things that you think you are saying in confidence.

Anonymous said...

Walter, you got me.

I give you permission to out me.

Anonymous said...

In fact, Walter, come to my office right now, and out me there. You have my permission.

Come on, Walter, I'm still waiting... How about a boy's night out in the middle of the day.

Roach Patrolling down Chestnut Street. said...

"In fact, Walter, come to my office right now, and out me there. You have my permission."

May I show up instead?

Larry Kelley said...

I will live Tweet it.

Old dogs, new tricks said...


(God, they would not like that)

-Roach Patrol

Anonymous said...

Go for it. I'll be waiting for you.

and Walter... the shoes on the wires near Maplewood Farm mean that that's where you can get some illegally zoned organic eggplant.

Anonymous said...

walter... you dumb-f**k, i don't work for the schools, you loser! join me for the boy's night out in the middle of the day and my identity will be revealed to you...

come on, let's go have a little fun.

Anonymous said...

hey roach patrol, I'm on my coffee break... now would be a good time. i'm waiting for you.