By Any Other Name

After a brief emergency meeting this morning at an undisclosed location the Amherst Select Board and Town Manager invoked Executive Order #19, a rarely used provision of the Amherst Town Government Act that allows the Executive Branch to do pretty much anything it wants.

One of less controversial decrees hatched at the secret meeting will change the name of the town from Amherst, where even the h is silent, to Salk -- where every letter is pronounced.

After 254 years of snarky remarks about the town being named after Lord Jeffery Amherst, the (bastard) father of biological warfare, and in a ritualistic bow to karma, the town will now be renamed after Dr. Jonas Salk, the researcher who came up with a polio vaccine. 

"Since education is our #1 industry, it's only fitting we rename our little college town after one of the greatest researchers in the history of science," said Select Board Chair Stefan O'Keefe. 

In keeping with the altruistic principles of Salk, who responded to a gotcha media question about patent ownership with ""There is no patent. Could you patent the sun?", the town will lease the Cherry Hill Golf Course to BlueWave Capital for a 5 megawatt solar energy farm.

Former golf course now guaranteed to generate profits

All proceeds will go towards funding research to find an HIV vaccine, the last project Dr. Salk was working on.

A Secret Documents Request also reveals via meeting minutes that the Select Board sold Amherst Town Hall to local developer Roberts Barry and the Business Improvement District for $10 million.

Amherst Town Hall to become "Townhouse On The Green"

Plans are to renovate the former seat of government to a mixed-use development with retail on the bottom floor and student housing above.

 "Since the Blarney Blowout downtown was such a success last month, this will help make next years' event even BIGGER" said Douche' Drinker, manager of McMurphy's Uptown Tavern.

Urban Renewal

The Amherst Redevelopment Authority will take historical Town Hall in downtown center by Eminent Domain and sell it to private local developer Barry Roberts.

One of the main goals of the ARA is to stimulate the economy and reduce blight. Since not much happens at Town Hall this action falls well within the ARA purview. Although the Amherst Select Board, who meet weekly in Town Hall, also possesses the power of Eminent Domain and is chaired by Stephanie O'Keeffe, daughter of ARA Chair John Coull.

Next Thanksgiving should be interesting in that household...

"The Vagina Monologues": Third time is the charm

Amherst School Czar Mark Jackson (Principal of both the Regional High School and Middle School) announced that Amherst Regional High School would once again perform the "The Vagina Monologues" next Valentine's Day.

But this time, the play will also be used as sex education curriculum in the Middle School for a full year culminating with a joint performance next February. No indication of which school student gets to perform the "Reclaiming Cunt" monologue.

Jackson will also lead a one-man bullying seminar using his pernicious performance at the public 3/9 School Committee meeting--where he brow beat School Committee member Catherine Sanderson--as a perfect example of overly dominating male behavior.

Town Mangler says sayonara

One of the better kept secrets in town now appears outed: Town Manager Larry Shaffer announced his marriage to former full-time critic Dave Keenan and both have placed their respective abodes up for sale.

Unconfirmed rumors say they will live temporarily with former Select Board Czar Anne Awad and her husband former Amherst Selectman Robie Hubley in South Hadley, repository for so many cast off Amherst town officials.

Political pundits had been scratching their heads over Mr. Keenan not running for Select Board this past March 23rd (as tenth time is the charm.)

A new saddle for a dying horse

The Select Board approved Town Manager Larry Shaffer's capital request for infrastructure improvements at the Cherry Hill Golf Course, completely enclosing the nine-hole business under a weatherproof dome. The $25 million project will be paid for with state and federal grants and--everybody's favorite Manna from Heaven--Community Preservation Act money.

"Now golfers will not have to go to Florida in the winter to get their weekly fix," said the Town Mangler.

H in Amherst comes out of the closet

After 250 years of proudly silencing the h in Amherst--thus exposing carpetbaggers, rookies and ne'er do wells only migrating here for the money or cute co-eds, town officials unanimously approved a by-law requiring the maligned letter of the alphabet be given full rights and respect when it comes to pronouncing the People's Republic of Amherst.

UN flag to be retired

The faded tattered United Nations flag that has flown in front of Amherst Town Hall since the very early 1970's (soooooo long ago that even Vince O'Connor was not around) will be permanently retired into the new landfill at the former Cherry Hill Golf Course.

Since town officials are squeamish about the American flag, the Committee to Abolish Imperialistic Banners (co-sponsored by the Amherst League of Women Voters) decided to alternate the Puerto Rican flag, Rainbow flag, People's Republic of Iran and North Korea at that flagpole over the next generation.

Cherry Hill Golf Course: sunk in a sandtrap

After costing $2.2 million to acquire by eminent domain (in 1987 dollars) and another $1 million in tax dollars for operational losses over the past 22 years on the glamorous game of golf, the Town Mangler today announced he's throwing in the sweat towel.

Amherst's white elephant is closed, and will soon become a landfill.

"Garbage pays more than golf" said Laurence Shaffer. And he should know!

Heading South

Yeah, I'm still mad as Hell but I just can't take it anymore. You win, my spouse wins, maybe even my young kids win. We're packing up the bikes, computers and kitties and heading for South Hadley.

Hell, they have all the really easy targets anyway (not counting Anne Awad since she seems to have gone into private hibernation.) Barry Del Castilho and Gus Sayer--the two highest paid town employees and previous long-time Amherst trough suckers, a municipal golf course that generates more red ink than a Chinese flag factory and my abolute favorite lame FAT duck target, Representative Town Meeting.

They even have TWO Fire Departments in a town half the size of the People's Republic (our little abode is exactly half-way between them so in an emergency maybe they will both come) and good old Skinner Mountain where I can train once again to bike up Mt. Washington. And their High School even has a marching band!

Besides, they could use a slight increase in their Asian population.